I'm a Tortured Poet

On April 19 at midnight, Zoee and I clutched each other as we hit play on Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department. Album releases are one of my favorite parts of being an avid music fan. An excuse to stay up late and drink wine and have your life changed by the stories your favorite artists want to share? I genuinely cannot think of anything more up my alley.

Zoee and I came prepared. We cracked open the white wine we had been saving for a special occasion, and Zoee, being the angel that she is, made up a charcuterie board. It’s too bad we were too anxious about the album to eat anything from it.

I loved the album on the first listen. And that’s rare for me. I usually don’t love albums on the first listen and need time to digest and deep dive into it. But with TTPD, I felt comfortable saying I loved it after the first listen. The songs that stood out to me on the first listen were “Florida!!!” and “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” More on those later.

There were multiple times Zoee and I were shrieking and slapping each other. Most of the times were during “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” and “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart.” Our group chat with our coven was hilarious with our friends’ reactions. Lots of crying pictures. Lots of lyrics in all caps. Lots of full body chills.

Listening to an album from an artist you love for the first time is a biblical experience. Traditionally, during the first listen I don’t look at the lyrics, but this album was so wordy that we started looking at the lyrics halfway through. Wow. This is an album that is supposed to take awhile to digest and understand. That is the point of poetry. It’s supposed to be angsty and difficult to understand and paint a picture. This is also part of the reason why I think no one should’ve been professionally reviewing this album until after at least three listens. But hey, who am I?

TTPD is so fun because there’s something for everyone. Do you love Jack Antonoff’s synthy production? Do you love Reputation or folklore or evermore? Do you love shaking ass in your kitchen like me and Zoee? This album has all that and more. While there are some moments it seems repetitive, there is enough variation for fans to choose from. The order of the some of the songs were a bit mystifying to me. For the life of me, I’m not sure how we go from “So High School” to “I Hate It Here.” But, the thought of creating an album and then having to put the tracks in a certain order makes my brain hurt. This album is like a manic episode, so it makes sense that the songs are all over the place.

This album is also so cool because there are so many parallels to previous albums. “You’re Losing Me” from Midnights has the heartbreaking line of, “My face was grey, but you wouldn’t admit that we were sick,” while “So Long, London” has “and I’m just getting color back into my face.” In Lover’s “Daylight,” which is arguably one of Taylor’s most intimate love songs,” she says, “Clearing the air / I breathe in the smoke” and then parallels that in “The Black Dog” with “Six weeks of breathing clean air / I still miss the smoke.” I’ve seen a lot of Twitter discourse that this album is for Swifties, and while the general public can still enjoy this album, there’s so much more at stake when you know all the lore.

There is so much heartbreak in this album. Everyone and their mothers are debating if the songs are about Joe Alwyn or Matty Healy or Travis Kelce. How boring. Lame. Tired. Unoriginal. This album is about Taylor navigating her very public life. This album is how this industry chews you up and spits you out without a second thought. This album is about Taylor being insane. This album is about reinforcing boundaries. This album is Taylor’s diary.

When she announced the secret double album at 2 A.M., Zoee and I lost our minds. We figured she’d release five or six extra songs like she did with Midnights. Nope! Double album or bust. Unfortunately, I had my last college class ever the next morning and had to be up at 8 A.M., so I listened to a few off the surprise album and then went to sleep.

Now, let’s get into my favorite songs from the album. From the get-go, from the very first listen, I knew “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” would be my number one. And she still is. The first time we were listening I said, “I hope she actually screams.” And she did. And it was beautiful. And I loved it. And I got full body chills. This song is so Nesta Archeron coded. Peyton Sawyer coded. Louis Tomlinson coded. In case you know nothing about me (sad for you), these are my favorite people of all time. There’s a vengeance and a sadness and an acceptance and a palpable anger in it that is so heartbreaking and jaw clenching and fist shaking. This is the song I would have on if I were in a rage room. The song is plenty self-explanatory, and I’m not here to mansplain Taylor Swift lyrics to anyone, but the lines “I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this had made me / You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me” are the lines of a lifetime. Of a career. Holy shit. What else is there to say. This song is a career highlight. It’s in my top three Taylor songs of all time. Yeah, it’s that serious.

Some of my other favorites are “The Black Dog,” “Clara Bow,” “Florida!!!,” “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived,” “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart,” and “The Prophecy.” So, about a quarter of the album are my favorite songs. Isn’t that so awesome? My honorable mentions are “loml” and “But Daddy I Love Him.” To be quite honest, I adore most of the songs on this album, so making a list of my favorites is like asking me to pull every hair out of my head one by one.

Where is a girl to even begin with “The Black Dog”? Taylor screaming “Old habits die screaming.” The softness of her voice. The different cadences of her voice throughout the song. I can feel the confusion in her voice when she sings, “And it kills me / I just don’t understand / How you don’t miss me.” Girl, it kills me too. And I also don’t understand. I also adore the line, “Were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke,” and yes, I did have to look up what “esoteric” meant. Every time Taylor releases a new album I get exposed to a brand-new vocabulary. Awesome.

“Clara Bow” makes me tear up every single time. The music industry can truly be an awful place. You can’t be original. You’re constantly being compared to someone else. You can’t make space for yourself; you have to replace someone. You have to be the next X or Y or Z. In the song, Taylor uses Clara Bow, Stevie Nicks, and herself as examples of this. I mean, think about it. How many times have you heard, “Olivia Rodrigo is the next Taylor Swift” or “Chappell Roan is the next Lady Gaga.” The earnestness of this song makes me speechless. She has plenty of songs that warn against the abrasiveness of the music industry, especially towards young women, but this one is the most delicate. She sounds so young. My favorite line from this song, hands down, is “It’s hell on earth to be heavenly.”

“Florida!!!” had Zoee and I bopping around my bed when we first heard it. Such a fun one. And I love the Florence feature so bad. This song feels like the sister of “no body, no crime” from evermore. It’s so groovy. So fun. So great with the windows down. “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” is another great car song. The production on this one. Delicious. The in-ear sounds. The background voices. The manic, forced laughter. I’ll always eat up a song that has the most depressing lyrics you’ve ever heard with the most upbeat rhythm. Honestly crazy to come out of a six-year relationship and immediately go into touring, especially a tour like the Eras Tour. But hey, she’s a real tough kid and she handled her shit. Props to her.

“The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” is Zoee’s favorite song. And for good reason. Zoee and I have plans to go somewhere very specific and blast this song with the windows down. I can’t wait! This is Taylor’s most scathing song, and the only close competitors are “Dear John” and “All Too Well.” The build-up in this song is insane, it just gets more intense until it finally comes crashing down. “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” could be the best Taylor Swift bridge in existence. Truly. “Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? / Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed? / Were you writing a book? Were you a sleeper set spy? / In fifty years, will all this be declassified?” and “I would’ve died for your sins / Instead, I just died inside / And you deserve prison, but you won’t get time,” are truly gut punching, fighting words. The last few lines of this song are so special to me as well, “And in plain sight you hid / But you are what you did / And I’ll forget you, but I’ll never forgive.” I would love to scream this in an empty woods.

“The Prophecy” makes me want to throw a chair at the wall. Lyrically, it’s stunning. It reminds me of Maisie Peters’ “History of Man,” which I love dearly. This song almost feels too personal. If you listen to it, you’ll know exactly what I mean. This song is also so evermore coded with the witchy undertones and mythological references. Some of my favorite lines are, “A greater woman stays cool / But I howl like a wolf at the moon” and “Let it once be me / Who do I have to speak to / About if they can redo the prophecy?” This song makes my knees bleed.

All in all, I truly feel bad for people who didn’t enjoy the album. Sad to be you, truly. I’m sure my favorite songs will continue to wane (but trust me, “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” isn’t going anywhere). But that’s the best part. That’s the fun part. I love you, new albums. I love you, music that changes my life. I love you, Taylor Swift.